There’s a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge that comes up periodically when I open my web browser.
I got an email to remind me that in less that 72 hours I’m leaving for San Francisco. I’ll be there with two friends I haven’t seen in almost a year.
Normally, I would be excited for this trip. We’ve bought tickets to Alcatraz. We’re gonna go on a hop on/off bus tour, take a cruise, ride the trolley, etc. Right now though, I feel nothing. Not excitement for this trip. Not dread or anxiety either. Just numb.
And it’s not like I don’t want to go to San Francisco. Back in January when my friend suggested we go I was pumped. And it’s not like I don’t want to see my friends. I do. Like I said, it’s been several months since I’ve seen them.
But I don’t have any joy for this trip, not right now at least. I actually feel pretty numb and indifferent to a lot of things in my life. It’s been well over a year since I did any paid writing (on this blog or elsewhere) and I’m not sad or happy about this, just numb. And it’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog either, or really updated my Instagram or Facebook or any other social media platform and again I feel nothing. I had started a podcast about musicals to try to talk about something I love, and I just haven’t even been able to record anything for it lately.
Is there a good reason for this? I don’t know. Travel, theatre, musicals, writing, those things can usually excite me, but they haven’t been, not for a while. It sounds like I should be sad about this, but I don’t feel anything. And I’ve been reading and I know that losing interest in the things you love is a sign of depression. I don’t have a diagnosis for that yet, but I wouldn’t be surprised. If I had any money for therapy I’d go, but when you only work 20 hours a week it’s hard to find money for these “non-essentials.”
Actually, the one thing I do like, or at least don’t feel numb about is my job. It’s just a retail job, but I enjoy it and I enjoy the small group of ladies that I work with. And part of me knows I need to get another part-time job, or start freelancing again, but I won’t rush and take whatever job comes along, cause when I do that my mental health goes way down. Working in a good, positive environment is important. And freelancing right now seems impossible. I haven’t done any writing for so long, can I even go back and do that again? And do I want to? I don’t know.
Writing this you’d think I might care how this comes across. That I might be worried about being “too down” for readers or potential advertisers/sponsors/brands, etc. but I’m not. I’m trying to remember the last time when I was happy. Was it back in Ireland? Was it last month? Was it years ago? It’s a blur. And then I wonder if I’ve ever been happy, and I can’t tell. I might cry, but again nothing.
Is there a point to any of this? I don’t know. Sometimes life isn’t always happy. Sometimes things are weird and you don’t know why. I’ve been feeling numb for a while, and I know I need to do something about it. I just don’t know what that is.